Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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