I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
