it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
organizing the empties. That sober.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
