I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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