is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
