My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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