I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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