I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
