so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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