a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
