i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize