He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
COCAINE IS GR8
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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