I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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