well I can't set my house on fire every night
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
