how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
