so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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