eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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