Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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