If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
