Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
