exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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