is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
