What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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