...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
