This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
