I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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