I'm passing your future prison.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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