Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
