The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
