Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
