I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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