If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
