I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
