Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
