Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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