I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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