i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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