Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
