I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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