If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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