I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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