Old men and throwing up are my life now.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize