After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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