Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize