How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize