if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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