I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
