she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
