I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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