You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Randomize