I like my sex mixed with concussions.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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