I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
