You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
