Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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