I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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