nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
