If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
