listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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