mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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