i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
